there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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