are you still at the devil's house?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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