So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
