I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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