I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
this just has baby written all over it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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