take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
