What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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