third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
