turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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