I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
