I didn't shave. On purpose
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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