Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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