I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There's always time for handjobs
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
