The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
