saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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