i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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