Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
