if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
