Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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