The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
