im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
