What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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