ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
