I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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