Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
