she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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