I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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