You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
