nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
