So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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