please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
