Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
