sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
