so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
