if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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