Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
