omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
