I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
time to smoke my breakfast
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
