when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
