i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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