You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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