Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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