Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
