I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
