he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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