I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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