So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
