I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Shame - the story of my life.
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