I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
