it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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